Confessions of a Girl with no pen name

Blogger's Note: This starts off as something about clinging to the past then just gradually moves into "me", so brace youselves - this is more I've written about myself in, 4 years, i think! Thanks for reading...



I tend to cling on to old images, images of me, just because I'm afraid to embrace a new me. I'm so used to being what everyone thinks I am that I don't even realize that maybe I have changed.
Take for instance the fact that I used to be a tomboy. I still like to think of myself as one and maybe there's an intrinsic boyish quiality in me (don't laugh guys, you have a feminine side too!). Like, I'm into F1 and cricket, and cars are a passion (to an extent). I never was very interested in Barbies but then neither was I crazy about GI.Joes. But that was because of the way I was brought up - Never put too much value in materials. I had two barbies - both birthday gifts from friends and one Kelly doll. But then, I'm a big softie for cuddly,soft toys, beanie babies and huggables.
I like dressing up - I mean, not make up and ultimate hairstyles, but matching clothes and nice earrings (i'm a big fan of the earrings!). Shoes! Not a passion. Shopping - Yuck! I can't stand it. I mean, if its necessary then fine, but for pleasure, no way! That's why i prefer going shopping with my dad, its quick and accomplishes the purpose. If I go with my mum or sis or both then I bug them so much that we're home within the hour! I hate going to 500 shops and trying on variations of the same outfit or shoe and then realizing that the first one was the best anyway. I'd much rather buy the first thing I like and then if I like something else, buy that too...
On the other hand, I like senti movies, chick-flicks, teen flicks, and soppy TV serials (Except Desperate Housewives and the Bold and the Beautiful). But then, I'm not really into romantic novels preferring Jefferey Archer, Robert Ludlum, Alistair Maclain and such action-ish books. I mean, I don't mind a little love in an action-based story, like MI3, but love as the basis of the story is a little too much for me! The only one tolerable such book I've read is 'A suitable boy'. Quite a nice book, I must say.
I'm quite a normal girl when it comes to bursting into fits of laughter and spasms of giggles. I love Archies, Teen-based series like '8 simple rules' and 'Malcolm in the Middle', 'Lizzie Maguire' and 'As told by Ginger'.
I'm not boy-crazy, but i have had my bout of "crushes"! It used to be that I'd much rather go out and play than sit around with my friends talking, till a few months ago. But that has changed too.
I love making cards, hate shopping for gifts. I'm emotional about things like "Last full day of school" and "Last 3:20 school bell I'll hear"
I hate social gatherings like Weddings and Tam Bram thread ceremonies (Tam Bram - Tamil Brahmin). I can't stand to meet relatives who I havent seen in a decade. Friends are fine, close family is fine, but not distant relatives... This is because i'm very uncomfortable while talking to someone I don't know personally. I suck at social skills, actually, I have none!
I hate the customs of certain festivals where the girls are expected to look all pretty and dolled-up. I don't want a traditional 4-day long Tam Bram wedding. I want to go for atleast one hard-rock concert, attend atleast one F1 race live, watch Federer play live just once...
I'm quite the sentimental goose, I save things up like movie stubs and napkins from aircrafts just for memory's sake. I love automobile magazines, but don't get them at home unless my cousin comes.
Love puppies, scared of dogs, cats I like but fear their claws. I visualize too easily, imagine too quick, fear without reason and by my friends do stick (hey! it rhymes).
I hate male chauvinists! but then, I hate female chauvinists too. I believe that mean and women are equal; different, but equal. I hate women who say, "We're better" and men who say, "We're superior".
I hate politicians who don't keep up their word, authors who dont believe in what they write about, musicians who dont love what they play and scholars who dont have a thirst for knowledge.
I get hurt really fast and tears are easy to come. I hate showing that I can be vulnerable but at times, try to get attention by being vulnerable. I compare myself with one certain person too much and kick myself about it once in a while. Sometimes I know that I'm a hypocrite because I feel that I'm better than other epople, but thyese are few and far between.
I act like I dont care about what other people think, but in reality, i do!
There are things in me that I want to change but am too afraid to contemplate the new me. I seem sure of what I want to do, focused, controlled! But actually, I'm just as confused as the next 16 year old.
People think that I'm quite the brain. The fact is, I just have bookish knowledge. I happen to have a good short-term memory, but that wont help me in the long run.
I've committed sins, then looked for atonement... I think I've quelled ie all.
I love praises (is there anyone who doesn't?), but flattery will only get you upto a certain point with me.
I have problems concelaing some feelings, but others seem to be locked away in a secret, theft-proof safe somewhere inside me.
I believe that I can be a leader, but I believe that I am not trully one yet.
I'm inspired by many, but have no role model or idol, envious of quite a few, but not jealous.
I can accept things. It takes me time to adapt to change but not that long.
I cant stand criticism, but do my best to accpet it.
I started this blog to be a part of a particular group, but now i'm hooked for my sake. But even now, I still keep the reader in mind, and reveal only 99%. That 1% is still concealed. Many people know me. But only a few know 99%. No one has that centum.
I used to long for certain things - comforts, luxuries; but now I'm beyond that. At times I feel ageless - sometimes like a real kid, and at others like a really old, worldly-wise person. MOst of the time, though, I feel like me - young, confused, vulnerable.
I have horrible judgement of people. If I think you're a horrid person, chances are you're one of the micest, most sincere guys there could be.
I trust too many, yet trust so few...

You think I'm confused?

Look at yourself...